Abundant Mind #016

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Read Time: 7 minutes

Overthinking about others’ opinions is a common phenomenon.

It’s something that I personally have struggled with and even to this day, I still do from time to time.

Is this something that you experience as well?

Worrying about what other people think of me and people-pleasing are things that I am on the journey of personally solving for myself — these are behaviors that I want to be able to stop doing.

As I researched on the solutions that I can possibly use, I wanted to share those possible solutions to you as well.

In this week’s letter (yes I’m going to start referring to these as letters from now on), I’ll be sharing about where worrying too much about others' opinions comes from, how it can lead to the act of constant “people-pleasing,” and how to stop.

Let’s get into it.

Where This All Comes From

I want to highlight for you 2 fundamental needs that every human wants. These are:

1. Our need to feel in control

2. Our need for acceptance or connection

Our need to feel in control stems from our need to have a level of certainty in our lives.

We need to feel certain about different things in our lives or we will be in a constant state of stress and anxiety.

I mean, just imagine how much stress you would be in if you weren’t even certain if you would be able to have your basic necessities met tomorrow (food, shelter, and clothing).

We need to have certainty for us to feel a sense of security and predictability in our lives.

From an evolutionary standpoint, this is how we developed as human beings.

If we don’t have control over our environment, resources, and even thoughts, then we wouldn’t have been able to survive.

The second need is our need for acceptance or connection.

We wouldn’t be able to accomplish much if we were operated alone.

We’ve thrived as a species because we connected with other people. Whether it’s industrial and technological advancements, scientific and medical discoveries, or business and commercial success.

This need also has some evolutionary roots, however.

We had a better chance of survival if we were in tribes or in groups. And for us to be in tribes or groups, we needed to be accepted or to connect with the group.

Nowadays, we have less of an individual survival need to be part of a particular group but our need for acceptance and connection still has huge benefits for us like finding a partner and having children.

Connecting with others on a physical and emotional level can even improve our health and overall well-being.

Now, how does this relate to worrying too much about what other people think of you?

Sometimes our need to control is so deep that we want to control what other people think of us.

We may also feel that if people think about us a certain way, we will be accepted by others or we can connect better with others.

And so, we worry too much about what others’ think of us because underneath that worry, we are trying to fulfill our need to control, and our need for acceptance or connection.

If we do this too much however, it can lead to us wanting to please others to our own detriment.

Worrying Too Much Leads To People-pleasing

One way we control other people’s opinions of us is by “people-pleasing.”

We feel that if we get other people’s approval and validation by doing what they want us to do (even if it’s something we inherently don’t want to do) we can control how they see us.

We may also feel that we are fulfilling our need for acceptance and connection by getting other people’s approval and validation.

And that if we don’t please others, we will be rejected — which is a common fear.

People-pleasing is our own protective mechanism against disapproval. So the subconscious intention is to create connection and acceptance.

However doing this actually leads to inauthentic interactions. Ironic isn’t it?

A specific example of people-pleasing is always saying yes to other people.

If you are a people-pleaser, you may have trouble saying “no” to others.

Which can cause you to have too much on your plate for you to handle and you may even create conflicting commitments.

Ironically, you are more likely to let other people down if you haven’t learned how to say no. Even if your initial intention is to not let others down by saying yes to them.

Pain and Pleasure Perspective

Human behavior studies have shown that we don’t make decisions based on logic. We make decisions based on emotion, and then we justify later on with logic.

So, for you to create a behavioral change, you need clarity.

This is the number 1 thing that people who worry too much miss out on. They don’t have enough clarity, not just intellectually, but emotionally as well.

What does emotional clarity look like? Pain and pleasure.

Think about it this way, you may know intellectually that something is good for you — say diet and exercise for example.

There is intellectual clarity. But if emotionally that clarity hasn’t come yet, you won’t make the behavioral change.

You won’t receive emotional clarity until there is enough emotional pain and enough emotional pleasure attached to the behavioral change.

In the example of diet and exercise, once you feel enough pleasure from eating healthy and exercising, you will continue to eat healthy and exercise.

When you associate enough pain from eating junk food and being inactive, it will also propel you to eat healthy and exercise. It’s as simple as that.

Let’s relate this perspective to worrying too much and people-pleasing.

The reason you continue to worry too much about what other people think and you continue to people-please is because you are getting a certain amount of emotional pleasure from that act.

At the same time, you associate a certain amount of emotional pain from the opposite — not caring about what others think, and being assertive with what you want.

For you to change, you need to do the opposite.

Associate enough emotional pleasure from the idea of becoming an assertive person and a person who doesn’t care that much about what others think.

Associate enough emotional pain from the act of worrying too much and people-pleasing.

Remember, sometimes experiencing pain is good. No one grew to become a better person out of pleasure. It’s usually because they want to avoid experiencing certain pains.

Now, let’s explore how we can stop these unwanted behaviors.

How To Stop

Step 1 — The first step to stopping yourself from worrying too much about what others think of you is to develop self-awareness.

Learn where the need to please others comes from (which we went over in this letter), and start recognizing your own patterns of seeking external validation.

Observe and recap your past behavior of worrying too much and people-pleasing over and over again until you associate enough emotional pain to want to do the opposite.

Only when you feel enough emotional pain related to these unwanted behaviors will you start to make that change.

This is where the idea of contrast will help. Contrast is becoming so clear on what you don’t want, that the opposite (what you DO want) becomes clear as well.

Contrast creates clarity.

Step 2 — The next step to this is to develop intellectual clarity.

Identify what type of person you want to become.

Maybe in this case it’s someone who is assertive, or someone who doesn’t really care what others think of them as long as they are doing what they feel is good for them.

Step 3 — Become emotionally clear.

If you stay the same and continue to worry about what other people think of you and you continue to people-please, what will life look like 5 years from now?

10 years from now?

Will you be happy with a life like that?

How would that life feel like for you?

Get emotionally clear.

One of the biggest reasons why people don’t get what they want is because they aren’t clear. They don’t know what they want or they only have a vague idea of what they want.

When you have enough clarity, you will naturally say no to behaviors that don’t serve you.

You will naturally set up healthy boundaries.

You start saying YES to yourself even if it’s a no to other people.

Conclusion

I’ll end this letter on this quote:

As I mentioned in the start of this letter, I am also on the journey to stopping this behavior of worrying too much about what other people think of me and people-pleasing.

And I take comfort in the fact that you are possibly on that journey as well. I know because if you weren’t, you wouldn’t be reading this right now.

Here’s to being on this journey together and cheers to a life where we eventually get to fully be ourselves — where we aren’t bothered by others not liking us.

And always remember, we deserve that.

Talk soon,

Zach

P.S. Whenever you are ready, there are 2 ways that I can be of help to you:

1. Follow me on Instagram here if you want a source of bite-sized ideas and content that can help you reach your next level in life.

2. Book a discovery call for one-on-one coaching here if you are currently looking to create solutions to a problem or challenge in your life but you seem to be stuck.